James

Having a birthday exactly one week before Christmas was tough for James growing up and so I try make his birthday a special event. No combined, double-size, ‘Christmobirthday’ presents here, my friends. (I know. That’s unlike me. Go figure.)

So, last Sunday, December 18th,  thanks to that bunch of deceitful, underhanded, two-faced frauds that we call friends, I threw a wonderfully successful, very special surprise party for James.

A little music might help put you in the mood…

Our plan was, on the day of the party everyone would come in at different times, adding people gradually in order to see how long it would take for James to figure out that he’s in the midst of a surprise party. It’s like the frog that hideously allows itself to boil to death if the temperature in the pot is raised gradually. How fun is that??

Here’s how mine worked: A few weeks before the big day, I asked James where he’d like to eat out for his birthday. He chose Cobras and Matadors (not because he loved it, by the way, but because he had a Groupon that was about to expire. I hate those freaking Groupons.) I said I made reservations for us and a few other couples and after dinner, we were all going out to some un-named show. I told him that I had secured our dear friend Sherrie to sit with Ben for the evening.

So that was the setup and I let that marinate for a few days. Meanwhile, I semi-organized what food people would bring. Food, I’m no good at (thankfully James’ friends are great cooks) so I let them kind of do their own thing and concentrated on what it would take to pull this caper off. Deception, deception, deception.

I did have a minor in Evil Genius Studies, which is exactly what I would need, owing to James’ notoriously suspicious nature. Swear to god, he looks around the kitchen and mutters, “I guess I won’t put a boiled egg in Ben’s lunch.”

“What? Huh?”

“There’s a fork out on the counter. You must have made Ben a scrambled egg for breakfast. Why didn’t you use the whisk? I don’t want to give him another egg for lunch, so boiled egg is out, but he’ll need another protein…” Elementary, dear boy.

He says he’s just observant. I beg to differ. So I knew I’d need my A-game if this was to work on him. Over the course of a week or so, he needed Complications, some of which I told him about, some of which I had the individuals call him and let him make the decisions that would draw him further and further into our labyrinth of lies.

Kali (Savria) Doug and Michael (one year ago)

Complication #1: One of the dinner couples, Kali and Michael have a baby and a 3-year-old son that Ben is close to, and they wanted to bring them over early for a few minutes before dinner, in order to exchange Christmas presents. Kali’s mom, who was in town, would take the little ones back home after. That would be okay wouldn’t it?

Complication #2: Amy had an adults-only dinner party to go to and needed someone to watch her daughter for a few hours. Could Sherrie watch both Ben and her as well?

Complication #3: Allison and Orin were supposed to go out to eat with us, but they couldn’t. Still, they wanted to drop off James’ birthday present before we went out. We won’t stay but a few minutes.

After many confirmations and surreptitious phone calls with the co-conspirators, I was starting to think that we might just be able to pull this heist off. James went to Costco a few days before and asked what we needed. “How about getting a couple of cases of soda and some paper plates?” I told him. He bought the drinks for his own party! Tee hee. Then the real complications came.

Look who's in hot water now

Orin and Allison

Snag #1: When I made the follow-up calls to everyone to make sure we had the times right and the lies straight, I found out that his sister Allison forgot that the party was Sunday. She thought it was Saturday. When I told her, that “…no, it’s Sunday, as you can tell by the email I sent titled: Top Secret Party–SUNDAY 12/18.” Unfortunately, she couldn’t come to the party Sunday night. And she was making the cake.

So instead she came over Saturday, to give James his gifties and (secretly drop off the cakes in the garage refrigerator). Unluckily we also ordered in Chinese food and James got ribs. What are we cooking for his surprise party? Ribs of course. When I opened the bag of food, my face must have fallen, because he said, “What’s wrong with the ribs? Are you hiding ribs out in the garage or something? Ha-ha.” He’s that good, people.

Snag #2: I also found out that Amy and Lolita both TOLD THEIR KIDS about the surprise party!

Lolita and her best friend, Wine

Never tell the kids. Lie to the kids. They love you, they will believe you. They believed you about Santa Claus. They believed you about the Tooth Fairy. They will believe you that you are dropping them off at Ben’s house for a play date, and when it turns into a party, they won’t care that you lied. But if you tell them, even if they don’t tell James, they will for sure tell Benjamin. And Benjamin is the worst liar of all. His idea of keeping the secret would be to say something like: “Baba! I know something about your surprise party on Sunday, but I’m not going to tell you!” James could break Ben in fifteen seconds.

Snag #3 (from James himself): Sunday morning, the day of the party, James began to insist on cooking dinner for Sherrie, Ben and Penelope. I protested but he stopped me. “Doug. I like to cook.” He gave me the shark-eye stare that dared me to start the argument. I did not.

I could use this. James has got a huge blind spot when it comes to feeding people.

I put one of my best agents, Amy on the case, having her call James and insist on bringing over hotdogs and buns (what she was bringing anyway) for Penelope, Ben and Sherrie to eat. I told her when she talked to James she could be a little pushy (which, if you know Amy Hill… I’m just sayin’…).

After the call, James took me aside and said, “You put Amy up to that didn’t you?”

“It’s your birthday. You shouldn’t have to cook.” He gave me the sweetest hug. And the net just got a little tighter around him.

There were others, both snags and dextrous saves, too many to count. I never realized what a good liar I am. That may end up being my super power. Without blinking, without hesitation I can deflect and dodge, bob and weave. I would be a great spy (or Republican) except for the fact that I can keep nothing in my head and have to write everything down. I had to keep a running list in my pants pocket, the guest list, the times, the lies, all the pretty, pretty lies… I knew if I threw it away without shredding, or god forbid, left it out on the night stand it would be all over.

The full cast of characters

It’s 4:30. Sherrie, is supposed to be here! Where is she?! She’s running late.

Tragically, Lolita is running a little early. She gives James her present (some amaaaaaaaaazing peanut brittle) in about fifteen seconds. Since her kids weren’t with her, (her ex-husband was dropping them off) there didn’t seem to be any logical reason for her to be loitering around. “James, do you know what show we’re going to tonight?” I asked.

“Is it the new Cirque du Soleil show?”

“God, you’re good, James! Lolita scored us the tickets and she wants to see Kali and Michael. It shouldn’t take but a few minutes to get to the restaurant.”

“The one on Beverly?”

My Groupon! My Groupon! What a world, what a world...

“No. I did the one on Los Feliz… Don’t tell me your the Cobras and Matadors Groupon is only good at the restaurant on Beverly, James! Bummer!” Even lying through my teeth, I could get my dig in about the damned Groupon.

Riiiiiiiiiing. It’s Sherrie, come to babysit.

Then right on cue, Michael, Kali, Barlow, Savria and Grandma Angel came in for the present exchange. All the while, I was pulling James aside, reminding him we needed to leave to make our reservations at Cobras and Matadors.

The rest of the guests arrived, more or less on schedule. Maiya came by to drop something off for her mom. Dave and Hillary were just up the street and thought they’d stop by. Even though James was in the other part of the house, I heard Lolita saying, “You kids have three more minutes then we need to GO!” She stayed in character, even though her confused kids were ready to cry! A++.

The house filled up and James was oblivious. For my part, I acted more and more frantic/put out that we weren’t going to make our reservation when James looked around and said, “Wow. We should just have the party here.”

“Okay,” I said. “Everyone! Go out and get your food!”

Cheers rose up!

Dave and Hillary looking fine!

In came the individual macaroni and cheeses from Hillary and Dave (not just tasty, but OMG-tasty).

In came Meryl and Steve with their quiches. A kale and mango salad from Lolita.

And what about Michael’s spare ribs?

We didn’t use forks! We didn’t use bibs!

From the top of Mount Loofah to the deep of Lake Dibs,

We piled our plates high with the ribs, ribs, ribs, ribs!

Then we laughed, we sang Happy Birthday and somehow managed to find a bit of room for a piece (or two) of Allison’s fantastic Chocolate Cayenne cakes.

When all was done, once the guests left and the kitchen was in some shape of normalcy, James pulled me close and said, “It was a perfect party. We have such great friends. And the best part is that they know me so well. Look at the time. It’s 8:30.”

Allison's cake

To all my friends who celebrate Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa or something else, have a great one.

Peace,

Doug