You know how other people blabber on about their dreams and ruin it for people like me who have really fascinating ones? You know that, right? Well my first two dreams of 2012 were both so painfully stupid I can’t help but share them.

Dream #1

Michael Landon

In the first one, I am backstage in the wings at some kind of telethon and talking to none other than Mr. Michael Landon. The audience is applauding whoever is talking on the other side of the curtain, and Michael and I are chatting, standing next to a little buffet of munchies and I let Michael know that he has sung “Sit Down You’re Rockin’ The Boat” 472 times, so many times in fact that he’s two away from a Guinness Book of World Records.

Obviously, the next thing Michael does is get all hyperactive and filled with showbiz pizzazz, like Mickey Rooney after about 15 Benzadrines. “Sit down, you’re rockin’, Sit down, Sit down, Sit down you’re rockin’ the boat!”

He’s doing hand gestures and everything. Ugh.

“No, no, Michael. It has to be on TV. It doesn’t count if it’s not on TV.”

Then I remember thinking, The producers of this telethon are going to kill me when Michael Landon goes on and starts to sing that stupid song.

So yeah. That’s it.

Some people get messages about the future, or flashes of creative genius in their dreams. I’ve got Michael Landon doing jazz hands at me.

Dream #2

In my second dream (I don’t remember where it was set), but I started to sing a song, one that I really like to sing. But when I opened my mouth, I coughed and a round little turd comes up out of my throat. Actual poop.

Okay? Now you don’t have to be Sigmund Freud to interpret this one, people.

My subconscious thinks I’m stupid, yet again, like the time James and I were getting ready to move to California and I dreamed that two tall, proud trees fell over because their roots weren’t deep enough. Swear to god.

Or the time I was worried about money and dreamed I was in the grocery store and couldn’t find any lettuce.

Or the time I was getting ready to release my album and I dreamed I was climbing and climbing up a ladder, but I looked down from a dizzying height and got so scared I couldn’t climb any higher.

There you have it. My first dreams of 2012.

May all your dreams (and neither of mine) come true in this spanking new year.

Doug